Intro: Do you feel like you were meant to have a kick-ass career as a hair stylist? Like you got into this industry to make big things happen?
Maybe you’re struggling to build a solid base and want some stability. Maybe you know social media is important, but it feels like a waste of time because you aren’t seeing any results. Maybe you’ve already had some amazing success but are craving more. Maybe you’re ready to truly enjoy the freedom and flexibility this industry has to offer.
Cutting and coloring skills will only get you so far, but to build a lifelong career as a wealthy stylist, it takes business skills and a serious marketing strategy. When you’re ready to quit just working in your business and start working on it, join us here where we share real success stories from real stylists.
I’m Britt Seva, social media and marketing strategist just for hair stylists, and this is the Thriving Stylist Podcast.
Britt Seva: What is up and welcome back to the Thriving Stylist Podcast. I’m your host, Britt Seva, and today, we’re tackling imposter syndrome myths and realities. This is one of those topics that was definitely inspired by my Thriving Stylist Podcast listeners, but also really inspired by the industry at large.
The term imposter syndrome is one of those very—I’m going to say it—trendy terms that I see being tossed around the industry as well as the ever-popular trend of making burnout normalized. It concerns me that we’re starting as an industry to try to—I want to be careful how I say this. What I think is happening is humans in general are always seeking a sense of belonging, right? Brené Brown talks about that all the time.
If you’ve not listened to Brené Brown, she’s an incredible author. She has a ton of books that are worth listening to. She has a documentary, I believe it’s still streaming on Netflix, and it’s absolutely well worth a watch, but she basically studies shame and human behavior, and she makes it really light and fun. She’s worth researching if you’ve not already.
One of the things she talks about is the human nature of wanting to belong. What I think has happened in our industry is being a stylist, being a salon owner at its core has always been fairly isolating. Another buzzword term that has always irked me a little bit about our industry is the idea of community over competition. I think that’s such an awesome thing to say. I think we really struggle as an industry to demonstrate it, because unfortunately, every stylist is each other’s competition.
I think that, like in Thrivers Society, for example, I have seen the power of community over competition.
It is possible. It can happen. It is rare. When I say I tend to believe that the elite 5% are those who choose to buy into what I’m saying and try my ideas. I don’t believe that 95% of the industry is at a place where they can truly buy into the idea of community over competition, not see the salon down the street as a threat, not worry that the salon owner down down the street is going to steal their stylist.
Can I be honest with you? If the salon owner down the street stole my stylist, two things would go through my mind. One, thank goodness that stylist who was clearly not happy in my building has found somewhere else to be because I never want somebody who’s unhappy in my space to stick around poisoning the well. That’s the first thing. I’m not mad at the salon owner.
P.S., none of the thoughts that run through my mind is how dare that salon owner. I can’t say that it’s nonsensical. It doesn’t even make sense. For those of you who are, “…but they stole your team member,” team members are not stealable when they’re happy. If anybody were to approach or try to entice anybody who is currently happy at their place of employment or in their current relationship or whatever, they’re not attainable because they’re satisfied. They’re not looking for anything else. They’re not interested in anything else.
If a salon down the street, if a stylist who works for you chooses to go work for the salon down the street instead, that’s not the salon down the street’s fault. That’s your own fault. You weren’t raising the bar enough, you weren’t doing what needed to be done to retain that person and/or that person shouldn’t have been yours to begin with, and good riddance to them, right?
This is why I say in our industry, we say things like “community over competition,” but then I hear story after story about the cattiness and the non-compete agreements and all of these things that go into place. It’s like we’re so far off from that idea. For me, burnout and imposter syndrome in a lot of ways fall into that category, and I think that by the end of this podcast, you’ll understand what I mean when I say that.
This is going to be a two-partner. I’m going to introduce some concepts here and then we’re going to go into ’em a little bit more next week.
First of all, I want to share—I mentioned the term burnout on this podcast just now. If you go to episode 283, I talk about the anti-burnout plan and it’s looking at burnout from a very different perspective. Checking at the door the idea that burnout is cool or that we can create community around these negative concepts like burnout or like imposter syndrome.
Definitely listen to 283. But today we’re going to talk specifically about imposter syndrome and I think by the end of this, you’ll understand why I’m saying that I think we’re using these buzzwords in terms to create community when the reality is if we miss, we realign the efforts and the messaging and the focus, we’re all going to see a much better result.
When we look at the word “imposter syndrome”, this is the widely accepted definition. “I want to be seen as somebody amazing, but maybe I’m not good enough to get there.” Does that sound about right? When you think about imposter syndrome, does that sound pretty close to what you’re thinking? I bet it does.
My dear friend Lori Harder, who spoke with us at our very first Thrivers Live back in 2020, posted this quote on Instagram recently that I think really sums up a next step of imposter syndrome. It said, “Imposter syndrome is just the feeling of being a beginner. Celebrate that feeling. It means you’ve unlocked a new level of growth.”
I really do appreciate that perspective because Lori is saying [is] not totally far off from what I’m saying. We’ve made imposter syndrome into this very negative but also common community thing that we all rally around. What she’s saying is it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means you’re at the beginning and I do agree with her on that one.
I think so many people don’t recognize that they’re at the beginning and they don’t want to believe the fact that they’re at the beginning, so we do things like, we say, “Well, I’m burnt out,” “This imposter syndrome.” We have all of these reasons for why we’re not where we want to be. Sometimes we call those reasons excuses, and I want to dig into what imposter syndrome actually is because that common definition that I shared with you of “I want to be seen as somebody amazing, but maybe I’m not good enough to get there,” that’s actually not what imposter syndrome is at all.
I want to get into the history of it, what it actually means, what I think you’re actually feeling, and then how to overcome actual imposter syndrome if that is something you’re experiencing.
Imposter syndrome is a real thing. Psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes developed the concept of imposter syndrome back in 1978. At the time it was called “imposter phenomenon.” What was interesting is, at the time, it was all about high-achieving women.
What they said was, despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the imposter phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. That is very different than what is being commonly touted as imposter syndrome today.
That’s why I wanted to start by sharing the history and the science that these two psychologists came up with for it. Because it’s not simply a buzzword or a buzz term; this was an entire study that they did. You can look it up. Look up the imposter phenomenon study if you want to learn more. It is very different than that and goes much deeper.
Let’s look up the actual definition, like the Webster’s or Oxford’s definition of imposter syndrome. ’cause I bet most of you haven’t. I hadn’t until today. It’s “the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.” That is very different than “I want to be seen as somebody amazing, but maybe I’m not good enough to get there.” Can you see that? That’s two totally different things. It’s not even two sides of the same coins. One thing is a coin and one thing is an acorn, like they’re not even close to the same.
Here’s the other definition: “Feeling like a fraud for the massive success you’ve already achieved. Imposter syndrome disproportionately affects high achieving people who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments.”
If you’re already a massively successful stylist or salon owner or esthetician or business owner or industry educator and you feel like you don’t deserve the success, that could potentially be imposter syndrome, which is very different than how we use it as a buzzword.
I want to talk about what true imposter syndrome does look like because, listen, while I think many people who use that phrase are using it incorrectly, there are some people in the industry who are absolutely falling victim to it. That’s who I want this podcast to be dedicated to.
The podcast that drops next week is going to be unveiling a different term that I think describes those who are using imposter syndrome incorrectly.
True imposter syndrome in our industry could look like this. Number one, “I’m making tons of money and living an amazing life, but I don’t have 20,000 Instagram followers, so it’s just not good enough.” That would be an imposter syndrome thought.
Here’s another one. “I only got the promotion I just received because of my race,” right? Thinking that the boss has an agenda, whatever that agenda is, that the promotion that you received wasn’t earned. It was simply because of your race or ethnicity. That could cause imposter syndrome.
Here’s another one: “I only am a salon owner because my dad was the previous owner of this salon and he allowed me to step into the role as his successor.” Oh my gosh, if that’s not imposter syndrome, like, well, I’m just the owner’s daughter, so I guess this is my business now, right? That would make you question did I actually deserve this opportunity to own and run this salon or is it just that daddy gave it to me?
Listen, that can be echoed back to you, right? If you’ve ever been in a generational salon, those are the things that get said. “Well, Cindy only got it ’cause Bruce ran the place, right? Cindy didn’t actually earn it.” That’s what causes actual imposter syndrome.
Here’s another one: “I’m an educator because I did this one super cool thing and people started asking me about it, so I’ve been touring a workshop about it now, but I don’t know what to do next because I don’t have any other tricks up my sleeve.” Thoughts like that make you feel like a fraud, right? “I got here on this one thing and now I don’t know where to go next. What if people realize I don’t know all that I’ve been saying that I know,” right? Those are the imposter syndrome kind of thoughts.
Here’s another one: “I’m only a successful stylist because I work at X salon,” right? Fill in the name. “I’m a team member at blah, blah, blah salon. That salon has a great reputation. The success has nothing to do with me. It’s contingent on me working at this place in space, and if I were to go, I’d lose everything I have because the success is not actually mine.” That would be imposter syndrome.
Lastly: “I’ve achieved a ton already, but my success is super fragile because I got lucky to be where I am in this moment and I could lose it all at any time.” Major imposter syndrome.
I just have to say, right there success is never lucky. Luck would be like winning the lottery, but then you look at people who win the lottery and then lose it all in 12 months’ time. That would be an example of luck or chance.
To be successful in business, it’s impossible to do that and be lucky. Even when people say things like, “Well, they did it because they were lucky or they did it because of their circumstance.” Circumstance can absolutely help and can give you a leg up, but then there’s plenty of people who had great circumstance and didn’t do shit with it. That kind of balance of, yeah, circumstance certainly does help, but it is not the only thing that defines whether someone is successful or not.
Circumstance or luck can’t possibly be the only reasons why anybody’s successful. If you’re feeling like lightning struck and that’s why you’re successful, 99.99999% chance it’s just not true.
What makes those statements—and there could be plenty of other statements, but the statements and examples I just shared you, what is it that makes those things true imposter syndrome above all else? It’s one thing. Did anybody pick up on what it is? It’s that any of these things could be completely true.
Cindy could just be the salon owner because Bruce was the owner for 20 years and Cindy’s his daughter and he gave her the keys. That could totally be true.
Maybe you are an educator because you did one thing that was cool, but now you’ve rode that wave and now you have nothing to follow up with it. Yeah, that could be true.
Maybe somebody did just get a promotion because of their race. That happens unfortunately all the time and it makes you question your own value, right?
To be true imposter syndrome, there has to be at least a bit of truth to it. It can’t just be negative self-talk. I think that’s where we’re getting jacked up is we say imposter syndrome is such a lie. It’s telling you false stories. Yes, it is a lie that’s telling you false stories, but there’s a huge difference between imposter syndrome and what I’m going to reveal to you in a little bit, which I actually think is the truth of what’s plaguing the industry. I think a lot of people are experiencing imposter syndrome, but a lot of people that are talking about it are not talking about the right thing.
I wanted to make a little checklist that would help you to know if what you’re feeling cannot possibly be imposter syndrome. I’m going to go through a list and if any of these things are true for you, what you are feeling is not imposter syndrome, it’s something else.
If you aren’t already seeing significant, predictable, consistently growing success in an arena, your professional frustration cannot possibly be imposter syndrome. It has to be something else.
If you aren’t consistently achieving new goals in your arena, it cannot possibly be imposter syndrome that you’re feeling. If you’ve been working at something for any length of time. But don’t 100% know what is working, broken, missing or confusing about your efforts, what you’re feeling cannot possibly be syndrome. It has to be something else.
What we’ve done is we’ve used the phrase “imposter syndrome” as a bandaid for lack of education, lack of research, lack of planning, or a few other things we’re going to talk about momentarily.
Now, as I know that, I say that some people are going to get frustrated by it. Please don’t bring out pitchforks for me. What I did when researching this episode is I looked up the definition, I read case studies, I studied the psychologists, I actually read what their case study looked like. I looked up stories of what imposter syndrome is, and I could not find any of the true researched imposter syndrome studies that echoed any of what I’m seeing in the industry. That’s why I thought it was important to bring this to light.
Now the on the flip side of that, some of you are experiencing scenarios like I talked about three or four minutes ago, and you didn’t realize why it bothered you and it bothered you because it is imposter syndrome.
For those of you who had inherited the salon and don’t think it’s rightfully yours, you might not realize why your mind is playing tricks on you and now you know.
If you truly have achieved massive success, which is one of the qualifiers for feeling imposter syndrome, in whatever area you’re focused on, whether it’s being a salon owner, being a stylist, being a spray tan professional, being a makeup artist, being a bridal stylist, being an industry educator, whatever. Whatever area you’re feeling frustration in, if you have already achieved massive, sustainable, predictable growing success in that arena and you feel like it’s fragile or false, I want to give you some tools to help overcome those feelings.
First tool, and to be candid, most of these tools I either lean into regularly now or have certainly done so in the past because I can say I have found success in an arena without a doubt. But that’s not to say I haven’t questioned things and these are some tools that have helped me and my peers to overcome.
Number one, and I actually think this is the most important: reflect on everything you did to get here. Was the success just handed to you? If you’re like Cindy and your dad Bruce handed you the keys to a salon or whatever it is, you were mentoring under somebody and they gave you their own entire clientele, and now you’re wondering if you can pull it off, whatever it is, I want you to ask yourself, okay, maybe that is the truth, maybe the success was just handed to me. How can you educate yourself to catch up to where you would have needed to be to have truly earned that yourself, right? Because people achieve their own success every single day because of education, focus, hard work structure, like the things I mentioned just a few moments ago.
What are the things that you need to work on, focus on, achieve so that you can know the success is yours? Rightfully so, and you deserve it.
Because a lot of imposter syndrome is a feeling of deserving, right? It’s a huge piece of it. Now, if your success was not just handed to you, which is the boat I fall into, right? My success wasn’t handed to me. I had to work my booty cheeks off for everything I got. If it wasn’t just handed to you, could you do that work again if needed to be successful? For me, because my success comes from blood, sweat, and tears, and nothing else… I’ve been sharing this publicly for years, if this business I run right now were to fall apart—it doesn’t look like it’s going to, but let’s say that it did—I would be sad, I’d mourn the loss, but I’ve got three other business ideas that I would run with. None of them have anything to do with what I’m doing right now. And because I know that I’ve achieved my success through determination, education, networking, research, hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, I know I could do it again because I’ve done it once. Of course, I could do it again.
Often if you’re suffering from imposter syndrome, just having that knowing of “I did it once, I could do it twice, I could do it three times if I had to,” it helps you to restore the confidence of, “but I’ve already won, I already know how to become a winner. Nobody can take that away from me.”
That’s one of the things you can do. But sometimes that doesn’t work. So let’s lean into something else.
Number two: find peers who are at the same level of success as you or higher that you can be fully transparent with. Fully transparent with. Fully transparent with. I’m saying that over and over because I’ve seen this go sideways a few times where groups become like brag groups where you’re only sharing the good stuff and only sharing the highlight reel that will feed your imposter syndrome more than anything you could ever know. Celebrating other people’s success is a beautiful thing. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s inspiring, it should happen. But if you’re in a community where everybody’s doing great things and you’re feeling less than, that’s not it.
I have been a part of many professional masterminds over the years. Several, one very publicly, most very private, and just now several years in, do I have people I network with where it is like full transparency. The good, the bad, the ugly, the legal, the financial, the everything. And oh my gosh, if that doesn’t make a difference because then you realize like, “Whoa, we’re all humans and everyone is going through their own bag of ish,” and it really relieves the pressure for you. It is very difficult to find a group, paid or non-paid, where everyone is fully trusting of each other to have that level of transparency and trust. But if you can get there, it’s very powerful.
Something I want to share in case you’re going to do this from a paid angle. First of all, group coaching and masterminding are not the same thing. If you are joining any kind of program course, something called a mastermind, whatever—I was a part of one that was paid many, many years ago. It’s been some time for me. I’ve actually been a part of a couple of paid ones. One was very impactful for me. One was hardly impactful for all. The reason might surprise you.
The one that was very impactful for me is the one where 90% of the content, the lessons, the teachings, the inspiration came from the people to my left and my right, not the facilitator. The facilitator’s job was simply to create space and scenarios where the members could connect and learn from each other. This mentor learned from us. This mentor was not teaching us, they were learning with us alongside us. It was an incredible experience and opportunity. It’s like lightning struck once on that one. It was phenomenal. That is actually the place and space where I was able to gain those who have carried forward with me for years and are now my trusted confidants.
There’s another version where it’s more like— and I’ve been in several of these too. I actually host several of these also where I consider it to be more like group coaching. There’s a leader or facilitator who’s very smart and several steps above everybody else and they’re teaching and they’re training and they’re mentoring and they’re inspiring. I love that format. It’s not the same as what I’m talking about as what’s going to help you get over imposter syndrome.
Here’s why: Because you are constantly being talked at, being mentored by, being held hands with by somebody who is several steps ahead of you. If imposter syndrome is truly what you’re struggling with, often that doesn’t break the cycle. It will feel better short-term, like it will be the bandaid you need, but it’s not going to break the cycle of unworthiness.
Really tap into like what is it that you need? Both serve a purpose. Sometimes you do need group coaching. You do need a mentor to help you know the tactical steps to go forward. I am so here for that. If you’re struggling with imposter syndrome though, often the cure is something different.
Next, figure out what makes you feel worthy. As I say that, I feel like that’s another topic in a podcast we should talk about is figuring out what it is that makes you feel worthy. It took me a lot of years to figure out what makes me feel worthy. I have found that humans find their worth in all different areas. (That could be worth tapping into. We’ll do that on another podcast.) But I want you to really think on what makes you feel worthy.
Next, consider putting yourself out there in exchange for nothing. What I have found for me is when I am feeling like my success is fragile or I got here by chance or I don’t deserve the success I’ve achieved, truly what keeps me going—and if you have ever sent me a kind Instagram DM about how I’ve helped you, you’ll know this to be true. When somebody sends me an Instagram DM about how I have helped them, nine times out of 10—occasionally I missed one, so I’m sorry if I missed yours. I will personally write you back, let you know how your success has impacted me. I have an entire folder on my phone of screenshots of that kind of feedback because when I’m feeling not worthy, I can look at hundreds of messages from people saying that I made a difference and it makes it impossible for me to question my worth because if my goal is to empower one million hair stylists to be six figure business owners, which has been the vision of my company since its foundation, I can see that I’m doing it.
If you’re feeling like an imposter, having that proof shows that you’re doing it right. If you’re the salon owner who inherited the salon from their dad, is your team happy though? Are you retaining employees? Are they saying they love working for you? That proof will help.
Now if you don’t have the proof there, then you’re going to have to lean into other arenas. For you, it’s probably that first one, that educating yourself to catch up to where you need to be. But if you truly are doing a great job, putting yourself out there will bring you that feedback you’re looking for.
What I have found is for those of you who are like, “I get validation from my clients, I get validation from my stylists, I get validation from my students,” I have found validation comes more often when somebody is not exchanging a dollar. You get more love when you simply give and I think we’re really losing that in this industry. It’s like everything has a price tag, monetize, monetize. What is it, passive income? Everything is—
You know I coach stylists to making more money. I’m all about the dollars. Don’t get that twisted. But can we still be great humans in the process? I think somewhere along the way it was like, “But I need to monetize it and don’t steal my idea,” and like it got a little convoluted along the way. If you can consistently put stuff out there in exchange for nothing, the worth comes back in a really different way.
As a stylist, sending cards to your clients saying you’re just thinking about them, not a promotion, not your latest email newsletter, like just reciprocity gives you a lot of that validation you’re seeking.
My last two exercises are critical. The first one, I want you to think about you 10 years from now, like fast forward your life 10 years. Will that version of yourself living in 2033 look back at the 2023 version of yourself and say, “Damn, I am so happy they’re doing what they’re doing.” Or will they look back and be like, “Wow, that was a giant waste of time.” Or “Wow, they were worried about all the wrong things,” or “wow, what they should have done is blah, blah, blah.”
Would’ve could’ve, should’ve will kill all of us at the end of our lifetime. It’s just about the worst possible feeling. Really fast forward and say, “Is what I’m doing now really what I’m meant to be doing? Am I missing out on the right opportunities? Am I achieving success? Should I be proud? Am I worried about the wrong things?” Try that fast forward.
Lastly, I want to go back in time. I want you to imagine the version of yourself from five years ago and ask would that version be proud of what you’ve accomplished today? Because if they would, you can’t possibly be an imposter. You have achieved massive success in your own right. You deserve what you have. It wouldn’t be yours if it wasn’t yours to hold. The universe doesn’t work that way. Enjoy it, embrace it, love yourself a little bit more.
Next week, we’re going to dig into some fresh concepts and fresh ideas that I think you’re going to absolutely love. If you have been touting the definition of imposter syndrome being “I want to be seen as somebody amazing, but maybe I’m not good enough to get there,” I’ll see you next week when we dig in a little deeper.
Y’all, so much love, happy business building, and I’ll see you on the next one.
